One Word We Must Drop from Apologies

It's a tiny shift, but changes everything.

So I've reached that point in Breaking Character where Cassie has finally come to the realization that she never actually apologized for her role in the dissolution of her friendship with Jesse and Lindsay.

Not that she was unapologetic, not that she meant to cause harm, but she just stopped talking. So quite naturally, there was never an apology. And it's been that way for a year and a half.

This morning I was able to write this scene in which she finally realizes her role in that, takes ownership of it, and heads over to the Wedge skate park. (Is it still called the Wedge? Those of you who live in the Phoenix area?) She goes to the Wedge, and Jesse is there. She kind of beckons him over and is finally able to say, “I am so sorry for what I said and what I did.”

It's a great scene because now the trajectory is starting to pull up for them, and we're starting to see that those embers of affection have never been far away. They never really died out between the two of them. She doesn't quite know that she actually is also very attracted to him—even though she is, and was, and has been for a very long time.

I think one of the next scenes I'll be doing will be when she goes to visit Lindsay again. And Lindsay totally calls her out on it. Like, “Oh my gosh, you've been crushing on Jesse since, like, sixth grade or whatever.” I'm pretty sure that's going to happen, but I haven’t gotten there yet in the manuscript. But it's coming up.

The worlds of the Drama Department and Zero are starting to collide in that Cassie is going to go with her older brother Brian to a Black Phantom show. And if you're familiar with Zero, you should recognize that name. Black Phantom is the up-and-coming band that Gothic Rainbow is kind of trailing behind. Just a little Easter egg to put in there. It has no bearing on anything whatsoever, but it makes me very happy to include things like that.

The other thing I'm enjoying about writing this scene at the Wedge is being able to capture how crucial I think it is to offer genuine apologies.

We don't have to agree on a thing in order for me to say, “I'm sorry I hurt you.” And that's it. I would give anything to bring that back into relationships, bring that back into our culture, because it seems to have really fallen by the wayside—particularly when we use this one awful word:

“If.”

We have got to excise that word from our apologies. Meaning: we no longer should say, “If I hurt you,” or “If I made you mad, I’m sorry.”

No if. Just fucking say it. Just say it: “I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for my role in that. I'm sorry for this.”

We can say that without also saying, “And I agree with you,” or “You were right.” We don't even have to say that. Just: “I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you.” Because all I think any of us want is the acknowledgment of being seen.

If I feel like I've been heard then that's gonna make restoring this relationship a lot fucking easier. And it starts with: “I'm sorry I hurt you.” The end. Not: “I'm sorry if.” It makes the apology sounds lik, “Now it’s your responsibility. See, if you were hurt, well, now it's on you. You need to fix it.”

That's not an apology. That's not trying to restore the relationship. And that doesn’t even touch the people who flat-out— and you know these people—absolutely, unequivocally, steadfastly refuse to even say, “Sorry about that,” “My bad,” anything to even acknowledge that something went wrong.

I’ll be the first to admit, it doesn't come naturally to us. It's not an instinctive thing—to phrase an apology without the “if.” I know for myself, I really have to stop and think and process those words and make sure I state them carefully and the way that I intend them.

Definitely not easy. I don't mean to make it sound like it's the easiest thing to do. It's not. Nor is it easy to acknowledge that you did something wrong. That's just something culturally—I think, particularly as Americans—we don't like that. We really, really don't like taking responsibility. That's something we’ve gotta fix. We just gotta fix that shit as soon as possible.

All of which is to say: I wrote this scene at the Wedge where Cassie takes that responsibility. And what I liked about it was the opportunity to choose my words as the author very specifically, and phrase things in a way that hopefully readers will see: this is how I think relationships can be restored. That people can talk to each other, that people can apologize to one another and take ownership of whatever happened. And that the consequences of that ownership really aren't as awful as we may think they're going to be.

In most cases, they're not going to be awful at all. They're actually going to be quite great. Because now you're back together. And we can move on. And wouldn't that be cool?

I'm enjoying the hell out of writing this book for you. It's going to be fun. I will talk to you later. Have a good start of your weekend.

Take care.

~ Tom